For Joe’s fiction writing class, he had to write a 15-sentence story which begins “morgan is the kind of person who…”
By Joe Gleason
Morgan is the kind of person who feels compelled to be hugging someone whenever her picture is taken.
Judging from her Facebook profile, you’d think that she is the life of every party. She isn’t. One benefit of going away for college, however, is that she no longer has any one friend who knows all of her other friends – a fact which she has used to her advantage by creating six additional Facebook accounts with which she frequently comments on her own photos or writes on her own wall. “Why didn’t you call me last night?? =)” asks non-existent Terri Bradshaw from NYU. “Happy birthday, babe – you’re gorgeous! xoxoxo” comments Patrick Dampsey, her super cute, completely imaginary boyfriend. “Damn, grrl, you look HOTTT,” writes Tyler Darden (she’d just seen Fight Club after buying the movie poster), referencing her new photo album entitled “Good Times, Good Times!!!!” And while she can’t remember the name of that bitch she was hugging in the photo, she is almost certain it was one of the American Girls, so she’s tentatively tagged her as “Felicity” because it sounds more sophisticated than Addy or Molly. And sometimes, (oh, this is embarrassing even to write) she has her nearly-real friends communicate not only with her, but with each other. Like, wouldn’t Facebook think it’s a little weird that all seven of these accounts have the exact same password (Carebear12345) and six of them are pictureless with only one friend – her? She’s got to cover her tracks. Now, most of the time, their interactions are limited to such greetings as “Hell yeah!” or “LOL!!”, but occasionally, they take on more significance. In a flourish of creative genius, she has recently guided Terri Bradshaw and Patrick Dampsey through a growing feud over which of them likes Morgan the most.
It’s been bitter and hard to watch, but in the end, though she’d never admit it to Terri, Morgan has to say that Patrick totally took the cake when he created a new Facebook group entitled “Morgan for President – 2016!” There are currently seven members.
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